I wrote this to a friend outside of our Colby bubble, and I
think it applies to how I will remember 2012:
“For me,
… navigating graduate school, trying to [manage dramatic friend stuff and not
let it impact me], and [the] comprehensive exam [experience] made this such a
strange year. I'm in a place where I like Oregon but am looking forward to
leaving, maybe wanting to have something with some vague conception of a person
that is theoretically out there but not having enough extra mental energy to
give a crap, longing for the past (like having my tight-knit group of Colby
friends) but acknowledging that it isn't possible currently or (likely) the
near future, hoping for something that eventually resembles a 40 hour work week
with disposable income while working through papers and reports... Basically,
lots of dichotomies where I happen to fall into the chasm between both ends of
possibility. It's a strange place to be, and I guess that's how I will remember
2012--in the right place for future me (especially training-wise), but maybe
not quite the right fit for current me.”
It’s
been weird. It’s been stressful. It’s had it’s ups (the Giants! Tahoe! Passing
Comps! No end of the world!). It’s had it’s downs. Mostly, I don’t think I am
living like my “ideal self” would want to be living.
If 2012
were to be boiled down to a single event for me, I think it would be Tahoe. I
will certainly remember struggling through a Thursday night/Friday morning in
July, vomiting while trying not to wake up Isaac in the sleeping bag next to
me, waking Allie and Jess up at 6 am to see go see a doctor and see if anything
else was wrong with me, vomiting on the way there and way back, and basically
being useless for the remainder of the planned weekend. I loved being with
everyone who was able to make it (and can laugh about how unfortunate the
timing was of getting the stomach flu), but it was also prevented me from fully
immersing myself in the experience and catching up with everyone who made it to
the cabin. A weird experience when I wanted everything to be perfect.
But, I
do believe in a human nature to try to make things better, and I want 2013 to
try to reflect that. I want a year where I am better to myself. In the interest
of defining that more specifically:
1)
I want
to be more engaged in physical activities (e.g., frisbee, climbing) and do the
physical therapy exercises to make my lower back better.
2)
I want
to do more cooking for myself.
3)
I want
to procrastinate less (taking less time to start activities, distract myself
less with websites and the interwebz).
4)
I want
to reach out to people more when I am upset or frustrated.
5)
I want to
give more hugs to people in Eugene.
I know actually trying to accomplish
resolutions tend to die off by February, but I also think these are reasonable
enough to try to incorporate into my day-to-day. I would like to feel more
settled and more of my actual self while I’m in Eugene, and these seem to be
logical places to start.
